Male celebrities, you’re off the hook, because this is mostly a lady problem.  Or, more appropriately, a Lady problem, because like most annoying things in 2010, it can be traced back to Gaga.  I’m not actually sure when this first occurred, but somewhere along the line, Lady Gaga began to identify her fans as her “Little Monsters.”  Presumably, this was because “teenagers who can relate to my strange antics because they, too, feel like outsiders (aka every teenager ever)” really strained the 140 character limit of her Twitter feed.  This was then followed by Nicki Minaj calling everyone “Barbies” and Rihanna mobilizing the “Rihanna Navy” to join in the rally cry to buy her album.  And now comes word that Katy Perry, that lovely lady, has taken to calling her fans “Katy Cats.”  I find this whole practice quite condescending and infantilizing.  Also, stupid.  For the love of God, let’s end this before Ke$ha gets involved (“Homele$$ Hottiez?”).

2.) STOP calling anything you do a “labor of love.”

The Fighter was a labor of love for Mark Walhberg.  Basically everyone involved in the making of Blue Valentine called it a labor of love.  Natalie Portman said Black Swan was a labor of love and pain (pain!).  Just so you know, “labor of love” is not interchangeable with “vanity project,” “thing you feel like doing,” “shameless plea for Academy Award recognition” or “movie.”

3.) Statement glasses.

4.) STOP doing things other than what we made you famous for doing.

The worst thing about The Social Network wasn’t Justin Timberlake’s performance; the worst thing was seeing Justin Timberlake on the silver screen and remembering how good FutureSex/LoveSounds was.  It was so good, that when people saw it on my iPod, I didn’t even have to pretend that my (nonexistent) sister downloaded it to my computer while I was sleeping.  JT, do you understand how bad it is without your dulcet tones gracing the airwaves?  We have to deal with Justin Bieber and Usher “Grandpa” Raymond all over the radio now.  will.i.am is here and he’s sort of like Timbaland’s stuttering cousin who lives in his mom’s basement and always brings his weird, quiet ethnic friends around to family parties.  Kim Kardashian and half the cast of Gossip Girl are releasing albums.  There are people with number one songs named Iyaz and Jason DeRulo and Taio Cruz and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM APART.  How can you sleep at night?

Real talk, Timberlake: you aren’t going to win any Oscars, because you’re not really that good of an actor.  But you know what you can win?  America’s heart back, by recording another album and giving us a chance to feel joy, to feel like dancing, to proudly feel aroused by a song sung by a man.  Pleeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee???

(Update: STOP TEASING US.)

Also, Amy Winehouse stop designing clothing, Tommy Lee stop writing letters to Sea World and Sean Penn stop talking about politics.

5.) STOP crying whenever Barbara Walters talks to you.

The woman is like 80 and the only way her questions could be any more softball would be if they were named Pat, wore flannel and drove a Subaru to the pre-interview.  Get. It. Together. Woman.

Anyone who knows me well knows I love a good spoken word interlude in a song like nobody’s biz.  There’s something so wonderful and so, so cheesy about the entire concept that just gets me every time, especially because I can’t help but wonder what goes through artists’ and producers’ minds when they’re in the studio cranking out hits and they all agree that this is a good idea.  “What’s missing here?  Oh, I know, inserting a completely fabricated monologue (or even better — a dialogue) into the middle or intro of this song will really give it that extra dose of emotional realism we need to connect with the audience.  After all, emotions aren’t quite high enough right now, even though I’m FUCKING SINGING about something, so let’s show everyone what we really mean by dropping the melody…and talking.”

On a pretend phone call, for example.

Or in a made-up argument.

Or in a fake accent.

Now, the undisputed kings of spoken word interludes are Boys II Men, whose deep-voiced monologues let you know you’re about to go on a journey to someplace real — and real sexy, girl.

But, not too sexy, ya hear?

Even though this is is pretty much tailor-made for R&B, hip-hop is also littered with examples of when talking in rhyme to a beat is also just too much.

Sometimes the meaning is cryptic:

And sometimes, especially when it comes to hoes, the meaning is pretty clear:

Pop music has it’s fair share of monologues and spoken snippets (like in every Janet Jackson song ever).  There’s Lady Gaga, giving Ready for the World a run for their money in the Terrible Faux Accent category with “Alejandro,” Chromeo dealing with a nagging GF blowing up their cell in “Needy Girl,” M.I.A. spouting some typically pseudo-political nonsense in “Paper Planes” and, for sheer length, who could forget All Saints:

I could go on…”Hot for Teacher,” “Black or White,” “Human,” “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” the entire Barry White catalog.

But, my peronal favorite?  For making the spoken word intro seem cool by way of pure, unadulterated badassery, Ike and Tina:

But tucked in between Anime eyes and white latex body suits, there’s something that’s even more surprising:

Is that right there — dare I say it — understated Gaga?  Looking just, plain old… pretty?  Strange times, these.  See the entire video after the jump.