MR. DOOL

If you have a computer or know Ryan Seacrest, you may have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video, “Born This Way,” premiered today.  But, you may not have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video sucks (you can watch/listen to it here if you like watching/listening to things that suck (because the song sucks, too, btw, sorry)).

If you’re interested instead in holding on to your reputation as esteemed ladies and gentlemen of taste and class, save yourselves from seven minutes of faux-empowerment BS and review this handy list of major motifs in this latest opus from Her Ladiness, each paired with a much more entertaining video that covers the same ground.

1.) Nonsensical Spoken Word Introductions with Allusions to a God Complex

“This is the manifesto of Mother Monster,” Lady Gaga narrates in a husky voice.  OK.

Better:

2.) Writhing in underwear

The new race-within-a-race created by the Mother Monster knows no prejudice, except maybe a hatred toward pants.

Better:

3.) Bad choreography

You say “dancing,” Little Monsters; I say “vaguely rhythmic gesturing punctuated by spins and pelvic thrusts.”

Better:

4.) An ill-advised rap verse.

Big ups to Cholas, the “Orient,” and the disabled!

Better:

5.) Humping.

Lady humps this guy for awhile.

Better:

6.) An unexpected single tear in close-up.

Weep with her.

Better:

7.) 7+ minutes of Lady Gaga

You have quite some time to absorb the idea that this is, in fact, the way she was born.

Better:

BONUS BETTER:

For visible underwear, nonsensical spoken word intro, humping and bad choreography (not to mention avant garde fashions, futuristic haircuts, sexually ambiguous back-up dancers, synthesizers, messages of empowerment, vague sci-fi references, pandering to a gay audience and a multi-culti cast of social misfits):

So basically Lady Gaga is the 2011 version of Klymaxx.  Just let that marinate for a second.