MR. DOOL


Here is a List of Things I’d Like Celebrities to Stop Doing in 2011

1.) STOP giving your fans nicknames.

Male celebrities, you’re off the hook, because this is mostly a lady problem.  Or, more appropriately, a Lady problem, because like most annoying things in 2010, it can be traced back to Gaga.  I’m not actually sure when this first occurred, but somewhere along the line, Lady Gaga began to identify her fans as her “Little Monsters.”  Presumably, this was because “teenagers who can relate to my strange antics because they, too, feel like outsiders (aka every teenager ever)” really strained the 140 character limit of her Twitter feed.  This was then followed by Nicki Minaj calling everyone “Barbies” and Rihanna mobilizing the “Rihanna Navy” to join in the rally cry to buy her album.  And now comes word that Katy Perry, that lovely lady, has taken to calling her fans “Katy Cats.”  I find this whole practice quite condescending and infantilizing.  Also, stupid.  For the love of God, let’s end this before Ke$ha gets involved (“Homele$$ Hottiez?”).

2.) STOP calling anything you do a “labor of love.”

The Fighter was a labor of love for Mark Walhberg.  Basically everyone involved in the making of Blue Valentine called it a labor of love.  Natalie Portman said Black Swan was a labor of love and pain (pain!).  Just so you know, “labor of love” is not interchangeable with “vanity project,” “thing you feel like doing,” “shameless plea for Academy Award recognition” or “movie.”

3.) Statement glasses.

4.) STOP doing things other than what we made you famous for doing.

The worst thing about The Social Network wasn’t Justin Timberlake’s performance; the worst thing was seeing Justin Timberlake on the silver screen and remembering how good FutureSex/LoveSounds was.  It was so good, that when people saw it on my iPod, I didn’t even have to pretend that my (nonexistent) sister downloaded it to my computer while I was sleeping.  JT, do you understand how bad it is without your dulcet tones gracing the airwaves?  We have to deal with Justin Bieber and Usher “Grandpa” Raymond all over the radio now.  will.i.am is here and he’s sort of like Timbaland’s stuttering cousin who lives in his mom’s basement and always brings his weird, quiet ethnic friends around to family parties.  Kim Kardashian and half the cast of Gossip Girl are releasing albums.  There are people with number one songs named Iyaz and Jason DeRulo and Taio Cruz and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM APART.  How can you sleep at night?

Real talk, Timberlake: you aren’t going to win any Oscars, because you’re not really that good of an actor.  But you know what you can win?  America’s heart back, by recording another album and giving us a chance to feel joy, to feel like dancing, to proudly feel aroused by a song sung by a man.  Pleeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee???

(Update: STOP TEASING US.)

Also, Amy Winehouse stop designing clothing, Tommy Lee stop writing letters to Sea World and Sean Penn stop talking about politics.

5.) STOP crying whenever Barbara Walters talks to you.

The woman is like 80 and the only way her questions could be any more softball would be if they were named Pat, wore flannel and drove a Subaru to the pre-interview.  Get. It. Together. Woman.




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