MR. DOOL


Seven Videos Featuring Ill-Advised Rapping, Underwear and/or Bad Choreography That Are Way More Entertaining Than “Born This Way”

If you have a computer or know Ryan Seacrest, you may have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video, “Born This Way,” premiered today.  But, you may not have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video sucks (you can watch/listen to it here if you like watching/listening to things that suck (because the song sucks, too, btw, sorry)).

If you’re interested instead in holding on to your reputation as esteemed ladies and gentlemen of taste and class, save yourselves from seven minutes of faux-empowerment BS and review this handy list of major motifs in this latest opus from Her Ladiness, each paired with a much more entertaining video that covers the same ground.

1.) Nonsensical Spoken Word Introductions with Allusions to a God Complex

“This is the manifesto of Mother Monster,” Lady Gaga narrates in a husky voice.  OK.

Better:

2.) Writhing in underwear

The new race-within-a-race created by the Mother Monster knows no prejudice, except maybe a hatred toward pants.

Better:

3.) Bad choreography

You say “dancing,” Little Monsters; I say “vaguely rhythmic gesturing punctuated by spins and pelvic thrusts.”

Better:

4.) An ill-advised rap verse.

Big ups to Cholas, the “Orient,” and the disabled!

Better:

5.) Humping.

Lady humps this guy for awhile.

Better:

6.) An unexpected single tear in close-up.

Weep with her.

Better:

7.) 7+ minutes of Lady Gaga

You have quite some time to absorb the idea that this is, in fact, the way she was born.

Better:

BONUS BETTER:

For visible underwear, nonsensical spoken word intro, humping and bad choreography (not to mention avant garde fashions, futuristic haircuts, sexually ambiguous back-up dancers, synthesizers, messages of empowerment, vague sci-fi references, pandering to a gay audience and a multi-culti cast of social misfits):

So basically Lady Gaga is the 2011 version of Klymaxx.  Just let that marinate for a second.



Here is a List of Things I’d Like Celebrities to Stop Doing in 2011

1.) STOP giving your fans nicknames.

Male celebrities, you’re off the hook, because this is mostly a lady problem.  Or, more appropriately, a Lady problem, because like most annoying things in 2010, it can be traced back to Gaga.  I’m not actually sure when this first occurred, but somewhere along the line, Lady Gaga began to identify her fans as her “Little Monsters.”  Presumably, this was because “teenagers who can relate to my strange antics because they, too, feel like outsiders (aka every teenager ever)” really strained the 140 character limit of her Twitter feed.  This was then followed by Nicki Minaj calling everyone “Barbies” and Rihanna mobilizing the “Rihanna Navy” to join in the rally cry to buy her album.  And now comes word that Katy Perry, that lovely lady, has taken to calling her fans “Katy Cats.”  I find this whole practice quite condescending and infantilizing.  Also, stupid.  For the love of God, let’s end this before Ke$ha gets involved (“Homele$$ Hottiez?”).

2.) STOP calling anything you do a “labor of love.”

The Fighter was a labor of love for Mark Walhberg.  Basically everyone involved in the making of Blue Valentine called it a labor of love.  Natalie Portman said Black Swan was a labor of love and pain (pain!).  Just so you know, “labor of love” is not interchangeable with “vanity project,” “thing you feel like doing,” “shameless plea for Academy Award recognition” or “movie.”

3.) Statement glasses.

4.) STOP doing things other than what we made you famous for doing.

The worst thing about The Social Network wasn’t Justin Timberlake’s performance; the worst thing was seeing Justin Timberlake on the silver screen and remembering how good FutureSex/LoveSounds was.  It was so good, that when people saw it on my iPod, I didn’t even have to pretend that my (nonexistent) sister downloaded it to my computer while I was sleeping.  JT, do you understand how bad it is without your dulcet tones gracing the airwaves?  We have to deal with Justin Bieber and Usher “Grandpa” Raymond all over the radio now.  will.i.am is here and he’s sort of like Timbaland’s stuttering cousin who lives in his mom’s basement and always brings his weird, quiet ethnic friends around to family parties.  Kim Kardashian and half the cast of Gossip Girl are releasing albums.  There are people with number one songs named Iyaz and Jason DeRulo and Taio Cruz and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM APART.  How can you sleep at night?

Real talk, Timberlake: you aren’t going to win any Oscars, because you’re not really that good of an actor.  But you know what you can win?  America’s heart back, by recording another album and giving us a chance to feel joy, to feel like dancing, to proudly feel aroused by a song sung by a man.  Pleeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee???

(Update: STOP TEASING US.)

Also, Amy Winehouse stop designing clothing, Tommy Lee stop writing letters to Sea World and Sean Penn stop talking about politics.

5.) STOP crying whenever Barbara Walters talks to you.

The woman is like 80 and the only way her questions could be any more softball would be if they were named Pat, wore flannel and drove a Subaru to the pre-interview.  Get. It. Together. Woman.



Best of 2010: Mad Men, “The Suitcase”
January 3, 2011, 12:46 am
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , , , ,

Plenty of ink has already been spilled about how Mad Men is a great show that seems to only get better, so I’ll keep it brief.  In a strong season that contained a lot of big, surprising events — Don got engaged, Joan got knocked up, the mom from the Karate Kid died at her desk, Sally Draper did things I never want to see a child actor do again while her friend slept next to her — it was an episode that didn’t contain any shockers that emerged as the clear standout.  Set over the course of one long night at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and a few boozy late-night establishments, Season Four’s “The Suitcase” tackled what has always been Mad Men‘s most interesting and dynamic relationship — that between Don and Peggy — head on, resulting in one of the year’s most riveting, well-acted and -scripted hours of television.  When all is said and done, it wouldn’t surprise me if this ends up as a highlight of the series as whole, too.  Any episode in which a character threatening to defecate on another’s desk chair doesn’t emerge as the most memorable moment is certainly a triumph of serialized storytelling.  Read Time‘s review for some more insight, and Best Week Ever’s for some mildly disturbing gif’s and screengrabs.



Best of 2010: Nicki Minaj’s Top 6 Lingering Questions of the Year
January 3, 2011, 12:19 am
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , ,

6.) Can she get that dro?

5.) Can she get that Remmy?

4.) Can she get that Coke?

3.) Can she get that Henny?

2.) Can she get that margarita on the rock rock rock?

1.) Can she get salt all around that rim rim rim rim?

BONUS QUESTION: How do you do that shit?



Best of 2010: Top 5 People Who Are Younger Than Me Who I Will Begrudgingly Admit Impressed Me

5.) Drake, Grammy-nominated rapper (and star of Degrassi: The Next Generation), born 1986

 

4.) Jennifer Lawrence, star of Winter’s Bone, born 1990

 

3.) Brandon Dubinsky, currently the Rangers’ top scorer, born 1986

 

2.) Sophie van der Perre, photographer, born 1987

 

1.)  Jordan Romero, born 1996, who climbed Mt. Everest this May and became the youngest person ever to do so — no, you know what, fuck him.

 

1.) Willow Smith.



Best of 2010: Jamz from Ladies Who Aren’t Florence and the Machine

1.) “Get Some,” Lykke Li

2.) “Cold War,” Janelle Monae

3.) “Rolling in the Deep,” Adele

4.) “Holding You Down (Goin’ in Circles),” Jazmine Sullivan

5.) “Ride,” Ciara feat. Ludacris

6.) “Oh No!” Marina & the Diamonds

7.) “Boyfriend,” Best Coast

8.) “Hang with Me,” Robyn

9.) “Xxxo,” MIA

10.) “Teenage Dream,” Katy Perry (HATELOVEHATELOVEHATELOVE)



Best of 2010: The Black Keys at Terminal 5
December 30, 2010, 5:25 pm
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , ,

Hands down the best show I saw all year.



Best of 2010: Chloe Grace Moretz, Wonderland Cover
December 29, 2010, 2:16 am
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , ,

Showing people twice her age how it’s done.



Revisiting Loden Dager SS11
November 30, 2010, 1:50 am
Filed under: Menswear, Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , , ,

It’s a peculiarity of the fashion calendar that talking in November about a spring collection that won’t hit stores until March can be considered “looking back.” But by the time SS11 is available for retail, it will have been at least a full 6 months after we could have gotten our first glimpse, via trade shows, fashion week or, for most people, the internet.  The web’s instant gratification only seems to exacerbate the already-short attention span of the industry.  But if you buy into the argument of fashion as art — which, admittedly, is an argument with two pretty solid opposing viewpoints — then there’s something to be said for digesting a little bit, sitting back and giving everything you see some time to breathe before making a judgment, dismissing it and moving on to the next one.

So with that in mind, let’s talk about Loden Dager SS11.

Continue reading



AUGUST 27
August 27, 2010, 12:04 pm
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: , , ,

I’ll start posting regularly again soon, but for now, there are some drinks that need to be drunk and hands that need to be high-fived.  Hit it, Stevie.




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