Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves, Music | Tags: ciara, fiona apple, humping, janelle monae, klymaxx, mc skat cat, oh shut up steve, prince, rick astley, shut up lady gaga, undies
If you have a computer or know Ryan Seacrest, you may have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video, “Born This Way,” premiered today. But, you may not have heard that Lady Gaga’s new video sucks (you can watch/listen to it here if you like watching/listening to things that suck (because the song sucks, too, btw, sorry)).
If you’re interested instead in holding on to your reputation as esteemed ladies and gentlemen of taste and class, save yourselves from seven minutes of faux-empowerment BS and review this handy list of major motifs in this latest opus from Her Ladiness, each paired with a much more entertaining video that covers the same ground.
1.) Nonsensical Spoken Word Introductions with Allusions to a God Complex
“This is the manifesto of Mother Monster,” Lady Gaga narrates in a husky voice. OK.
2.) Writhing in underwear
The new race-within-a-race created by the Mother Monster knows no prejudice, except maybe a hatred toward pants.
3.) Bad choreography
You say “dancing,” Little Monsters; I say “vaguely rhythmic gesturing punctuated by spins and pelvic thrusts.”
4.) An ill-advised rap verse.
Big ups to Cholas, the “Orient,” and the disabled!
Lady humps this guy for awhile.
6.) An unexpected single tear in close-up.
Weep with her.
7.) 7+ minutes of Lady Gaga
You have quite some time to absorb the idea that this is, in fact, the way she was born.
For visible underwear, nonsensical spoken word intro, humping and bad choreography (not to mention avant garde fashions, futuristic haircuts, sexually ambiguous back-up dancers, synthesizers, messages of empowerment, vague sci-fi references, pandering to a gay audience and a multi-culti cast of social misfits):
So basically Lady Gaga is the 2011 version of Klymaxx. Just let that marinate for a second.
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: best of 2010, dare to dream, i didn't mention beliebers because i'm scared of them, justin timberlake, lady gaga, nicki minaj, oprah, stop or my mom will shoot
1.) STOP giving your fans nicknames.
Male celebrities, you’re off the hook, because this is mostly a lady problem. Or, more appropriately, a Lady problem, because like most annoying things in 2010, it can be traced back to Gaga. I’m not actually sure when this first occurred, but somewhere along the line, Lady Gaga began to identify her fans as her “Little Monsters.” Presumably, this was because “teenagers who can relate to my strange antics because they, too, feel like outsiders (aka every teenager ever)” really strained the 140 character limit of her Twitter feed. This was then followed by Nicki Minaj calling everyone “Barbies” and Rihanna mobilizing the “Rihanna Navy” to join in the rally cry to buy her album. And now comes word that Katy Perry, that lovely lady, has taken to calling her fans “Katy Cats.” I find this whole practice quite condescending and infantilizing. Also, stupid. For the love of God, let’s end this before Ke$ha gets involved (“Homele$$ Hottiez?”).
2.) STOP calling anything you do a “labor of love.”
The Fighter was a labor of love for Mark Walhberg. Basically everyone involved in the making of Blue Valentine called it a labor of love. Natalie Portman said Black Swan was a labor of love and pain (pain!). Just so you know, “labor of love” is not interchangeable with “vanity project,” “thing you feel like doing,” “shameless plea for Academy Award recognition” or “movie.”
3.) Statement glasses.
4.) STOP doing things other than what we made you famous for doing.
The worst thing about The Social Network wasn’t Justin Timberlake’s performance; the worst thing was seeing Justin Timberlake on the silver screen and remembering how good FutureSex/LoveSounds was. It was so good, that when people saw it on my iPod, I didn’t even have to pretend that my (nonexistent) sister downloaded it to my computer while I was sleeping. JT, do you understand how bad it is without your dulcet tones gracing the airwaves? We have to deal with Justin Bieber and Usher “Grandpa” Raymond all over the radio now. will.i.am is here and he’s sort of like Timbaland’s stuttering cousin who lives in his mom’s basement and always brings his weird, quiet ethnic friends around to family parties. Kim Kardashian and half the cast of Gossip Girl are releasing albums. There are people with number one songs named Iyaz and Jason DeRulo and Taio Cruz and I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM APART. How can you sleep at night?
Real talk, Timberlake: you aren’t going to win any Oscars, because you’re not really that good of an actor. But you know what you can win? America’s heart back, by recording another album and giving us a chance to feel joy, to feel like dancing, to proudly feel aroused by a song sung by a man. Pleeeeeaaaaaasssseeeee???
(Update: STOP TEASING US.)
Also, Amy Winehouse stop designing clothing, Tommy Lee stop writing letters to Sea World and Sean Penn stop talking about politics.
5.) STOP crying whenever Barbara Walters talks to you.
The woman is like 80 and the only way her questions could be any more softball would be if they were named Pat, wore flannel and drove a Subaru to the pre-interview. Get. It. Together. Woman.
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: best of 2010, don draper, mad men, peggy olson, television
Plenty of ink has already been spilled about how Mad Men is a great show that seems to only get better, so I’ll keep it brief. In a strong season that contained a lot of big, surprising events — Don got engaged, Joan got knocked up, the mom from the Karate Kid died at her desk, Sally Draper did things I never want to see a child actor do again while her friend slept next to her — it was an episode that didn’t contain any shockers that emerged as the clear standout. Set over the course of one long night at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce and a few boozy late-night establishments, Season Four’s “The Suitcase” tackled what has always been Mad Men‘s most interesting and dynamic relationship — that between Don and Peggy — head on, resulting in one of the year’s most riveting, well-acted and -scripted hours of television. When all is said and done, it wouldn’t surprise me if this ends up as a highlight of the series as whole, too. Any episode in which a character threatening to defecate on another’s desk chair doesn’t emerge as the most memorable moment is certainly a triumph of serialized storytelling. Read Time‘s review for some more insight, and Best Week Ever’s for some mildly disturbing gif’s and screengrabs.
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: best of 2010, but wait how DO you do that shit?, nicki minaj
BONUS QUESTION: How do you do that shit?
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: brandon dubinsky, drake, i'm old, jennifer lawrence, rangers, sophie van der perre, talkin just causes witnesses, the youth, whipping my hair
1.) Jordan Romero, born 1996, who climbed Mt. Everest this May and became the youngest person ever to do so — no, you know what, fuck him.
1.) Willow Smith.
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: adele, best of 2010, janelle monae, katy perry, lady singers, lykke li, m.i.a., marina and the diamonds, Music
1.) “Get Some,” Lykke Li
2.) “Cold War,” Janelle Monae
3.) “Rolling in the Deep,” Adele
9.) “Xxxo,” MIA
10.) “Teenage Dream,” Katy Perry (HATELOVEHATELOVEHATELOVE)
Filed under: Mr. Dool Approves | Tags: best of 2010, terminal 5, the black keys
Hands down the best show I saw all year.