Filed under: Music, Video | Tags: aging, jc penny, maneater was actually a pretty good song even though i do prefer the hall and oates track of the same name, multi culti, Music, nelly furtado, Video, whoa nelly
It has recently come to my attention that promiscuous Grammy-winning singer-songwriter-Canadian Nelly Furtado is set to release a greatest hits album. At first glance, one might think: “wait, what?” And I can understand why; the one-two punch of “I’m Like a Bird” and “Promiscuous” does not a greatest hits album make. However, some light Googling uncovers that many young pop stars have indeed released greatest hits compilations with far fewer than two actual hits. So, we’ll throw in some “Turn Off the Light” and “Maneater,” add some “Say it Right,” a few Spanish language hits and Timbaland collabos, and you can maybe see how a full disc could be cobbled together for Ms. Furtado.
Plus, as anyone familiar with Top 40 radio knows, the whole idea behind a Best of… album is to make money with minimal effort; at most, artists record two or three new songs to entice their fans, hope that a lot of people have recently gotten a new computer and can’t figure out how to move all of their music from their old iTunes, and sit back as the cash rolls in. And if they’re really committed/have tons of free time, they may even shoot a music video, as Nelly F. did for her new track, the ironically named “Night is Young.” It’s ironic, you see, because Ms. Furtado is no spring chicken, a fact made all the more obvious by the 19 year olds driving her around town in the clip.
But let’s look beyond that. Even though she looks old, Nelly still looks good, and there are other, more important lessons to be learned from this music video.
You know, for awhile, I thought the most important thing an artist named Nelly had ever taught me was what “Tip Drill” means. But, the Nellies of pop culture have indeed taught me a far greater lesson. Namely, How to Make Your Music Video Look Like a JC Penny Commercial in 10 Simple Steps.
10.) Employ a cast of multi-culti teens who occupy that relatable middle-ground between attractive and not.
9.) Give them as non-threatening a hobby as humanly possible…like gospel choir.
8.) Express sexual desire solely through furtive glances.
7.) Always laugh. If you don’t look like you’re about to shit yourself with excitement, then you aren’t really having fun.
6.) Three words: low speed joyride. Bonus points if it’s in a convertible!
5.) “Edgy” comes in the form of a leather jacket / hoodie combo, and no other way.
4.) Outdated cultural references / fashion trends (high-top fade, keffiyeh, etc.).
3.) Friendly Neighborhood Bike Gang cameo. May also be substituted for Friendly Neighborhood Skater Gang cameo.
2.) Breakdancers. Always have breakdancers. The kids love breakdancers!
1.) And lastly, if you’re going to have a party, please make sure it is held somewhere unconventional with excellent lighting and that the DJ has both a fedora and giant headphones.
It’s as easy as that. If you don’t believe me, watch actual these JC Penny commercials, then watch “Night is Young,” count the similarities and imagine the cross-promotional opportunities on which Nelly Furtado is sitting in her distressed jeans.
Oh, and another new song on Nelly Furtado’s greatest hits album? This paragraph from Billboard.com really says more than I could in an entire blog post:
Furtado has been recording primarily with Salaam Remi, who co-produced “Night is Young,” the first single and one of three new tracks on “The Best of…,” as well as a “super poppy version” of “Crocodile Rock” with Elton John, for the soundtrack to the 2011 animated film “Gnomeo and Juliet.”
Good night, ladies and gentleman. And good night, Nelly.
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